I feel so isolated. For the past 2 weeks I’ve sat at home alone in my room. I don’t know what to do with myself. I seem to be suffering from this crippling sickness that never goes away. It has no physical symptoms and I feel no pain. I just feel empty and unfulfilled. I feel anxious to move on with my life, but I don’t know how. It’s just easier to sit in my room and watch reruns of gossip girl on demand. Everything seems to be too much effort, all because of this crippling sickness seems to have a chokehold on my life.
I’m dying to get out into this ‘real world’ and be a part of it. Except my parents are still trying to shelter me from it at the ripe ‘ol age of 21. Every single day they still instruct me on how to do day to day things. It’s beginning to drive me up the wall. It’s like they think I’m not capable of doing things on my own without their guidance. For example tonight when I cooked them dinner (I do so almost every night now) - my dad watched me like a hawk and gave me prompts for everything. From cooking the veggies setting the cutlery correctly… I know he’s just trying to teach me something, but it’s become such a regular occurrence that it feels condescending.
I want to move out of home, but to tell you the truth, I’m terrified. The way they’ve constantly babied me all through my life has led to me feeling fearful of moving out of home. I tried to tell dad I wanted to move out of home a couple weeks ago. Obviously because my mother is completely bonkers, I didn’t want to bring the subject up with her (yet). I thought I would discuss it with my dad first, since he’s always been the more understanding between the two of them. But the only time I get to see dad one-on-one during the week is on sunday mornings when he drives to work. Because the drive to work is only 5 minutes, I chose to break the news to dad in the supermarket that evening, since it was the only window of opportunity I had.
Not my brightest moment.
We ended up having an all-mighty fight in the vegetable isle in countdown. Luckily for me it was 8pm on a Sunday, so hardly any people were around.
What gets me about my parents is they’re always the first people to criticise me. My mother’s favorite card to play in an argument is ‘When I was you’re age Nina-Sue, I was married and your father and I bought our first home in Timaru!’. Well mum, I’ve got news for you: this isn’t the 70’s anymore. Most 21 year olds are lucky to have even graduated from university by my age let alone get married. She’s so infuriating the way she uses that example. Times have changed completely. You just fail to see it.
What irritates me the most, is I don’t have the confidence to stand up to them. They make me feel like their happiness is dependent on me and what I do. The little confidence they gave me is easily destroyed in seconds when they lecture me about how they know whats best for me. How can anyone live with this pressure? I just want to run away and hide. Which is why I have decided I want to move to Wellington.
I’ve had this idea in my head for a couple of months now. Every time I tell someone new, it feels a little bit more realistic. Like when I kept the secret to myself it felt like it could never eventuate. I’ve saved a little money, and I’ve talked to a few friends about flatting and everything looks like it’s possible. The only problem is, I’m too scared to tell my parents. All because I don’t want them to be disappointed in my ‘poor life choices’. I want my parents to respect me. But it never feels like I’ll earn it at this rate.
Moving to Wellington will be a great financial risk. But I cannot stay in Auckland any longer. I hate this place. There’s nothing keeping me here apart from my parents and a handfull of friends. I hate how Auckland is a city divided because of the 4 areas. I hate how far away everything is. I hate how poor the public transport is. I hate the weather and most of all I hate how unfriendly everyone is all the time. That all makes for a pretty good reason to leave in my books. Of course, this all depends on whether or not I get offered a place at the Wellington Natcoll to study web design. It all seems so overwhelming. But I’m making baby steps. I want this to be the first of many good things I’ll do to make myself a better person.
I have to manage to stand up for my parents. Because if I don’t learn to stand up for me, who will?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m being yelled at for not doing the washing correctly.
Quick update: After being yelled at for not doing the washing correctly my mother continued to scream at me for 3 hours because I accidentally broke her ring binder. I can’t take this anymore. I just want to run away from home.